Josh Irby

Live from Sarajevo

I Don’t Believe in Myself

I don’t believe in myself.

But I do believe.

Photo Credit Jennifer (Creative Commons)

Photo Credit Jennifer (Creative Commons)

I believe I was created with specific gifts and talents—a unique mix not found anywhere else.

I believe I was made to do great things.

To inspire people.
To speak hope in the world.
To use my unique personality to the fullest.
To create.
To organize.
To name.
To leave the world better than I found it.

I believe I was made to make a difference.

However, I believe the world is not as it should be.

Beauty is scarred.
Order is scattered.
Life is broken.

I believe that I am broken too. My purpose and gifts are buried beneath

Selfishness
Self-doubt
Confusion
Misinformation
Disconnection
Lies
Distraction

I believe without help I am doomed to a life of purposeless, self-serving, despair.

I don’t believe in myself because I am not as I should be.

But, I believe this is only the beginning of the story.

I believe I am part of a bigger story—one in which I am not the main character. I find comfort in this. It means I am not alone.

I believe the Author of this story,
the One who intricately created my role,
the One who sees the creases in my character,
the One who deeply mourns my distress,
has a master plan.

I believe He is not satisfied with exterior changes to my behavior. He aims at the heart.

I believe He is so determined to rescue me from my destructive path He invaded space and time. He became like me in every way—
Hungry,
Lonely,
Rejected,
Tempted­—
except for one. He was not crushed beneath the weight of despair. He walked unbroken among the brokenness. Then he allowed broken people to break him so the shattered could be restored. So I could be restored.

I don’t believe in myself.
I believe in this God-man—this person—Jesus.

I believe in God’s reclamation project of mankind in which what once was valuable and then tarnished is now recovered and redeemed.

I believe he is remaking the world as it should be.

I believe this re-creation removes the traditional barriers and limitations. Life can be wide and deep.

I believe I am not yet who I will be, but I am no longer who I used to be. The reclamation is not complete but it has begun. I feel it in my chest. I see it in my choices.

I believe winter is drawing to a close and dreams long lost in hibernation are awakening. Pure passions are tossing back the covers. Gifts are unfolding like spring flowers. My true person is pushing up through the dirt, stretching towards the sun.

I believe my best days are before me. But, not because of a faith anchored in
will-power,
discipline,
character,
or work-ethic.

It has little to do with me.
I don’t believe in myself.

I believe in God.
I believe He is working in my life.

And that is enough.

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About Josh

  • WOW, great post on true feelings. I’ve been struggling with some of these things myself. Thank you for sharing so honestly.

    • Josh

      I think we will wrestle with these things till the end. I want my confidence to come not from something inside myself but something from God reflecting in me.

  • Trying not to cry this morning reading this but the part about winter coming to close – that’s tear worthy in a worshipful way. I too believe he is working in my life. Thanks Josh

    • Josh

      It is good news for the future!

  • Thanks Josh – this really spoke strongly to me.

    • Josh

      I glad it did Kent!

  • Christine

    Oh, wow, Josh, this is powerful. An updated apostle’s creed. Thank you.

    • Josh

      You know, without thinking about it, that’s what I was going for.

  • What a wonderful post! What a powerful image of us and God!

    • Josh

      Thanks!

  • Great word Josh! After spending years in self-doubt…..glad there is One after my heart on a rescue mission!!

  • Beautiful and true. I feel/have felt the same things, many times.

    • Josh

      Glad to know I’m not alone on this.

  • This says it all quite eloguently and powerfully. I am deeply moved … Thank you Josh!

    • Josh

      Thanks Deborah.

  • I believe this is a beautiful post, thanks for sharing. I also believe it is up to us to change the world and writing from the heart like this can change it one person at a time. Thanks Josh beautifully expressed.

    • Josh

      Thanks. That’s how I wrote it, I am glad it came across that way.

  • Loved this post. Good, good words of truth that resonate. Thank you!

    • Josh

      Thanks Kathryn.

  • Good stuff Josh, love to read transparent writing

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